Occupy my thoughts. Colonize my sanity. Drop bombs on my shoulders. Tear my white flag into pieces. Send my feet to a minefield. Shoot my body down. Throw a grenade on the last remains of my flesh.
But my love for you is bulletproof.
Read these lines. They already read you.
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Not sure how you feel about critique, but the last two lines are a little awkward on this one. Perhaps only five lines? or better perhaps contrast on the fifth? — Let the wind breathe across my remains; my love for you is bullet proof. — this reads out loud smoother — so the beats(?) are right(?) wish I understood poetry well enough to describe my impression better. Apologies.
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Hi Glenn,
thank you very much for your feedback. Yes, I must admit your version sounds much better, deeper and more poetic. I’ll be thankful for any good criticism on any of my writings.
Look forward,
Lines with Signs
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I was hesitant, but I’m the same way. Any “real” and well meant critique .. hell I’m dying for it.. How the heck am I suppose to know if no one tells me.. but I’m not really a poet so.. keep that in mind. Consider the source as it were
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I can’t agree more. There are so many misconceptions about criticism…but how are we going to move on without it?
Thank You very much and please feel free to comment and criticize anytime you feel like 🙂
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I do like it, but after reading some of your others, those last two lines jarred me a little.
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I know about bullet proof love….
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Bulletproof, but still feeling the bullet so much…
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Always
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While I agree with the commenters before me that there is a slightly disconnected and jolting quality to the latter lines, I think with such an intense subject, that might actually be a plus. There might be a way to retain the edgy and startling, violently-in-love character with just a tiny tweaking of the words to keep the story moving. Good stuff to work with in the first place, don’t you know!
Cheers,
Kathryn
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Hi Kathryn,
thank you very much for your kind criticism, it’s much appreciated. I am very happy I came across to your “art-colored glasses” (I really felt like wearing such glasses while reading it :)) today and I look forward to many new future posts.
I’ll keep an eye on your wonderful poetry.
Best wishes
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I am bullertproof nothing to loose… I am titanium!….
Cheers ⭐ Aquileana 🙂
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